• by Keith Blanchard , April 11, 2013

As everybody with an Internet connection knows, bacon is the most wondrous and delectable thing ever to appear on the face of this planet. It’s the universal sandwich solvent, the salt lick of kings. For a sponsor who wants to engage men through digital content, but doesn’t want girls or sports, bacon has been the go-to meme as far back as anyone can remember. It’s positively fatty with versatility: It’s been weaved into underwear, it flavors dental floss, it makes you smarter and cures hangovers. Et cetera, et cetera.

In fact, as amazing as it might sound, there are only 28 articles about bacon that haven’t yet been written! Literally: Everything that can possibly be said about bacon has already been said, except for the articles below. And once they’re written, there will finally, blessedly, be nothing left to say.

Man in egg pants attacks and kills man in bacon suit.• Comparative study of bacon usage in sex throughout the ages unearths shocking practices. • Was bacon used to mummify ancient sandwiches? • Total projection of world bacon production expressed as one strip of improbable length. • New breast implants filled with bacon fat feel “more real … way more real” to men in Cambridge study. • Seven-Layer Bacon Cake with Raspberry-Bacon Drizzle!

Givenchy unveils new winter line of bacon earmuffs. • Theologists debate bacon’s probable role in feeding the unclean animals on Noah’s Ark. • Bacon’s role in the development of modern avionics “cannot be overstated,” according to NASA. • Surprising cure for resurgent strain of H1N9 flu virus: bacon suppository. 

Bacon cellphones fail street trials in South Korea. • Sir Francis Bacon revealed to be a Shakespearean alter-ego, named for a then-popular hangover breakfast. • Bacon rubbed behind ears leads men to initiate sex with strange women at 7x the normal rate, reports “extremely fun” double-blind study. • Study shows Shroud of Turin’s stains are comprised primarily of bacon grease. 

Husband suicides after angry wife intentionally burns entire freezer full of bacon. • Virginia senator proposes bill officially rechristening “Canadian Bacon” as “Alternate Ham.” • Bacon’s shortcomings as roofing material in hot climates patiently explained. • Was Aldrich Ames seduced with bacon-for-life deal? • Bacon’s new designation as a vegetable by Virginia public school system draws weak vegan protest. • Bacon rejected as Earth’s last defense against asteroid swarm.

Bill that would replace stripes in U.S. flag with 13 parallel slices of bacon, and the stars with “Bacon bits…Irregular of shape, but identical in Number to the Number of then-current States” fails narrowly in the Senate. • New drone under development flies 250 miles on one bucket of bacon fat. • “Die Hard 6: Extra Crispy” wins the Palme d’Or at Cannes. 

Ancient bacon bits found in Egyptian bathhouse ruins, in oversize salad bowl next to cuneiform pornography. • A much-ballyhooed pickup truck composed of a new steel/bacon alloy is recalled, after crash-dummy test fiasco goes viral. • Pope’s stylish bacon sash swells ranks of the faithful after years of decline. • Bowing to public pressure, National Academy of Sciences reluctantly adds bacon to the periodic table of elements. • Bacon pizza stuffed with hot dogs, pie, and bacon!