• by Bob Garfield , Featured Columnist, January 23, 2017

WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER: Thank you for being here. I have a brief statement about the media economy. It's a catastrophe. We recognize the important role of a thriving media in a democracy, namely to blame it for all that we do wrong. As such, we are announcing that the Trump Administration will take charge.

FOX NEWS CHANNEL: I'm sure it will be brilliant in every way, Sean. We click our heels in salute. But give us an example. What will it do for TV ratings?

SPICER: The ratings will improve big league. For example, Sunday's televised NFC championship game between the Green Bay Packers and the Atlanta Falcons, under our authority, was viewed by 11 billion people worldwide.

CNN: There are only 8 billion people on earth. 

SPICER: And here we go again -- the media intentionally framing world population in a way to disparage the achievement of this great movement. The first championship under the Trump Administration was the most-viewed sporting contest on earth. Furthermore, another 6 trillion life forms watched from alternative universes. Except for the inauguration, which attracted googol Americans to the Washington, DC Mall and another infinity watching on smartphones in red galaxies, it was the most-viewed event in history, period.

NEW YORK TIMES: The president has often spoken of the “failing” New York Times. Our newspaper, of course, like all publishers, is faced with the plummeting digital ad rates caused by the supply-and-demand imbalance of the Internet economy. We remain profitable, but have been forced into years of job cuts in the newsroom, dismembering the goose that lays the golden egg. What does the Trump Administration propose?

SPICER: First we propose you stop publishing fake news, like supposedly historically low levels of crime, unemployment and uninsured Americans left by the previous administration. Obviously, America is a post-apocalyptic hellscape bloody with carnage and infiltrated by ISIS at every so-called mosque and PTA. But we do have some plans for making the publishing industry great again. Number one, you still buy a lot of newsprint, ink and so forth, correct?

NYT: Yeah, I guess so. Of course.

SPICER: And you pay rent in that gorgeous building on Eighth Avenue, I suppose.

NYT: So?

SPICER: So don't.

NYT: I don't understand.  

SPICER: Don't pay. Complain about the quality of the paper rolls, the heating in the building, whatever. Then stiff them. It's a real money saver that goes straight to the bottom line. As you can plainly see in the president's tax returns, this has worked wonders for the Trump Organization.

ASSOCIATED PRESS: But we haven't seen the tax returns. You won't release them. 

SPICER: The president said he will release them when it is appropriate. As you know, he has been under audit.

AP: Today presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway told NBC that he will not be releasing his tax returns, because the American people don't care about them.

SPICER: Did not.

NBC: She did, Sean. Live, on Meet the Press. We have it on tape.

SPICER: No, you don't. I happen to know Kellyanne was not at NBC this morning. She was with me all morning. At the movies. Yeah, that's it…at the movies.

NBC: What did you see?

SPICER: Ummm….Patton?

CHICAGO TRIBUNE: Another big problem we have is ad blocking. Audiences don't want to pay for content, either by subscription or with their attention to advertising. We have no solution for that problem.

SPICER: Wrong. We do. The problem is that the system does not work unless everyone participates. We have a plan for assuring that everyone who consumes media pays for it in one way or another -- or else faces a tax. This way everybody gets media, but nobody gets a free ride. It will favor no single media company but will keep the whole media economy healthy. It's called an “individual mandate.” This is how we shall make media great again.

WASHINGTON POST:  You mean like in Obamacare?

SPICER: Obamacare was a catastrophe. The president's plan will win. It'll win so much you'll beg for it to lose. It's is called Trumpfs Medienreparaturgesetz. 

WP: And if citizens refuse to pay? What do you do, deport them?

SPICER: Much has been said about the people holding Donald Trump accountable.

And I'm here to tell you that it goes two ways. We're going to hold the people accountable as well. They will do what they're told, or they will suffer the consequences.