• by Bob Garfield , Featured Columnist, February 18, 2013

From: Myrna Fribben, director of agitprop, Church of Scientology

To: V. Michael Carrabini, executive creative director, Hammersmith Pell & Partners, Santa Monica

Micky,

Thanks for your efforts on the script for our Super Bowl/Grammy efforts. Just wanted to review our thinking in taking your two-minute spot idea and reducing it to a :60. We believe we killed two birds with one stone here. Not only did we save about $12 million on the media buys, I believe we avoided some misunderstanding that might have ensued from your original script. 

To reiterate from the meeting after which you were briefly detained and forced into extreme physical labor for 100 hours without sleep, we were all wowed by your concept of (as you put it) “taking an existing Apple commercial and making the sentiment apply to a preposterous mythology that sounds, all in all, like the ravings of a delusional sci-fi writer and pathological liar who has lost his grip on reality.”

And we’re super sorry if there was any misunderstanding when our Supreme Leader pounced on you and unleashed a furious assault of fists and components of an executive desk set. No insult was intended. This was an expression of extreme spirituality frequently misunderstood by outsiders. Please note that we have decided voluntarily to eat the “audit” charges usually applied for this level of training. A $15,000 value, gratis!

We also have to give you credit. When we wondered aloud if major TV networks would accept advertising from us, considering our long history of physical and psychological abuse, stalking, intimidation and de facto enslavement, you were correct when you replied “Does a call girl ask where the freak and his $1000 came from?”

So, lest there be misunderstandings next time around, we thought you’d benefit from seeing the results of our slight changes to your copy. Here for your review is the as-shot script, juxtaposed with your original. Thanks for your efforts, Mickey! See you at the Oscars.

[As aired]To the curious, the inquisitive, the seekers of knowledge, to the ones who just want to know about life, about the universe, about yourself. Not cute questions, big questions, ones that matter. To the rebels, the artists, the free thinkers and innovators who think less about labels and more about truth, who believe that non-conformity is more than words on a bumper sticker, who believe that knowledge is more than words on a page.

You’re young, you’re old, you’re powerful beyond measure, and the fuel of that power is not magic or mysticism but knowledge: the things you see, the things you feel, the things you know to be true. Sure, some will doubt you. Let ‘em. Dare to think for yourself, to look for yourself, to make up your own mind -- ‘cause in the eternal debate for answers, the one thing that’s true is what’s true for you.

[Original] To the curious, the inquisitive, the seekers of knowledge, to the ones who just want to know about life, about the universe, about yourself but so desperate to feel iconoclastic or special that you’ll buy into Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy 75 million years ago.  Not cute questions – like, “Why do we drive on parkways and drive on parkways?” Big questions, ones that matter, like “How do we con feckless Hollywood celebrities and wannabes into forking over $350,000 for climbing the enlightenment step ladder?” To the rebels, the artists, the free thinkers and innovators, the morons, the gulls, the ambitious and the vain who think less about labels and more about truth, who believe that non-conformity is more than words on a bumper sticker, provided they strictly conform to our rules or face internment, shunning and ritual humiliation, who believe that knowledge is more than words on a page, unless it’s a page written by L. Ron Hubbard, a documented liar of such mind-boggling brazenness and scale that he may actually be a god.

You’re young, you’re old, you’re powerful beyond measure, and you have a lot of cash – we’ve done a credit check  -- and the fuel of that power is not magic or mysticism but knowledge: the things you see, the things you feel, the things you know to be true. That is correct: in Scientology, much like Fox News Channel, the standard of truth is whatever you are prepared to believe. Sure, some will doubt you. Let ‘em. These are the losers who rely on “reason,” and “evidence” and “honesty” and “basic human rights.” Dare to think for yourself, to look for yourself, to make up your own mind – don’t worry; we’ll help, by telling you the approved list of thoughts your mind is permitted to consider -- ‘cause in the eternal debate for answers, the one thing that’s true is what’s true for you. Even if it’s Xenu or supply-side economics.