• by Erik Sass , Staff Writer @eriksass1, February 26, 2014

I have no idea if this is true or not, but it’s just too hilarious to ignore. Selfies may be to blame for an increase in the incidence of head lice among teenagers, according to Bay Area culture blog SFist, citing workers at a local de-lousing salon called Nitless Noggins. Supposedly the number of teens with head lice treated by the salon has increased 50% since 2012.
 
Again, I’m no expert on obligate ectoparasites (I’m not even sure how to pronounce their name), but it seems plausible enough that a bunch of adolescents with questionable hygiene habits jamming their heads together for a group photo could be a vector for spreading head lice.

If so, all I can say is: bravo, nature! The only way it could get any better is if it turned out making that infuriating pouty duck face gives you gingivitis.
 
The next step, as we all know, is for parents and teachers to become very concerned and organize unsuccessful efforts to take smartphones away from kids or at least disable their dangerous photo function; calls to address the problem by controlling head lice will be frantically ignored.
 
Soon, all the adult hand-wringing will make head lice into a sort of cool, countercultural status symbol among teenagers. Popular kids will make a point of constantly scratching their scalps through perfectly disheveled hair. Garage bands will pay ironic homage with names like “Vanilla Lice” and “The Nitpickers,” while local TV news will report breathlessly on “bug parties” where teens gather in rec rooms and rub their unruly mops together.
 
After national news media catches on to the trend, Michelle Obama will spearhead an anti-selfie campaign called “Don’t Disrespect Your Selfie,” whose awkward tagline will become an Internet meme. Meantime, a Republican Senator from Kansas will blame selfies on a narcissistic, Godless culture and propose that teens start taking pictures of heaven instead. Millions will be blinded by look at the sun through telephoto lenses. The end.